Radio 2 Hello

The following programmes are to be broadcast across the British Space Empire via etherscope on Sunday the 18 May, 2538. Minor variations may occur for regions, species and combat conditions.

5.00	Seen and Not Heard	Children's entertainment.
7.00	Sunday Warship	The Archbishop of Mars delivers a sermon on the virtue of tolerance from the deck of HM Starship Belligerent, currently orbiting the homeworld of the despicable lemming-men.
8.00	From Our Own Correspondent	News from beyond the British Space Empire. Today, we visit Abroad, to see what comical and/or sinister activities the foreigners are getting up to.
8.45	The Archers	Mutant turnips disrupt the village fete. Eddie discovers that his cider press can raise the dead.
9.00	Woman's Hour	This week, what galactic war means for the marzipan and jam-making industries. Also, how to avoid vapours and other unwholesome lady problems.
10.00	Countrywise	Tips and updates from the outdoors. Major A.P. Wainscott demonstrates how to build a bivouac out of a heap of alien stormtroopers.
11.00	Grandstand	This week's sporting highlights include downhill xenomorph racing, M'Lak skullball, duneworm surfing and cricket.
3.30	Space Confederates	Serial. The crew rustle some steers. Meanwhile, a mean hombre moseys into space to bust up varmints with his positronic six-shooter. With subtitles for the British.
4.30	De Quincy MD	Medical drama. The doctor is forced to prescribe opium to himself again.
5.30	Last of the Hydraulic Whine	Three antique robots are propelled down a hill in a bathtub.
6.00	Antiques Roadshow	From New Colchester in the Sirius System. This week's finds include a Nintendo Gameboy and two cans of "Diet Cola".
7.00	I'm a Lady	Rescue me from Here! Game show. Young ladies win prizes for blushing, giggling and displaying ignorance about the male anatomy.
7.30	The Archers	Aliens invade Ambridge, demanding the return of Joe Grundy.
7.45	Life in Space	Nature programme. A remarkable insight into the life cycle of the Callardian Horned Tiger, from birth in the wilds to death at the hands of the presenters. Next week, the team will be shooting the rare Proximan Monophant, along with several bearers and a passing Belgian.
8.30	Match of the Day	Rematch of last month's Millwall FC vs Dynamo Predator game, postponed due to pitch invasion, alien invasion and tragic misinterpretation of the term "penalty shootout".
10.00	Newsnight	Topical debate. This week's issue: are Frenchmen the real aliens? Guests include aetheratrix Millient Pruden, inventor Sir Hubert Grunt and some gabbling moon-creature. Presented by a droning, sarcastic computer that is much, much cleverer than you.
11.00	Late night kinotropy	Emily and Clementine's Correctional Ladies' Academy 3. 6d to watch. Gentlemen only.
12.30	The shipping forecast	God save the King and Emperor.

Times of radio © BBC Space Service